Blaugust Prompt #12 – Dwell in the past

Blaugust Prompt 11 about my physical creative workspace is… in the works… but I want to post pictures that I can’t get right now… I’m not there after all. Hence, we’re writing about Prompt 12 instead, for now, which is hosted by SDWeasel over at USS! The next post in line is by Jen over here. Check her out. (Usually, this would be at the end, but in this case, that’s not possible at all with how the post is set up and written.)

This post is part of the Blaugust 2020 event. Wanna know more about it? Then check out my post on it or Bel’s post where he also linked everyone who’s participating! Be sure to check out the others as well!

“What’s something that you’ve lost along the way… that you’d like to get back?”

And well, the short answer to that would be my childhood and the relationships I had with my family. 

I often dwell in the past and get nostalgic but essentially there used to be easier times. I’m the oldest brother and have three younger siblings. When we were younger we would go for a walk into the mountains nearby and I would make up games and fantasy stories about us hunting monsters or saving the world or other adventures. Even my sister (at the time, more of a tomboy, tbh) would come with me and my brothers to play and have fun and it was a lot simpler at the time.

One time, we met some tourists who got hopelessly lost. We guided them to “the old castle ruin” and I told them a bit about the city’s history since I’m a crack for my hometown’s past… and in the end, they gave us 2€ each, so we got 2 ice cream balls each! – At the time, that was insane for us.

My sister is three years younger than me and my brothers (twins btw) are four years younger than me. As the oldest brother, I was supposed to help them out with school stuff since I at the time knew German better than my parents. They’d let me help them and I was actually helpful to them back then. 

It was a simpler time and it all changed when we got our first computer. 

Long story short, video games changed my life. While I used it as a much-needed escape, it drove my siblings and me further away from each other. We ended up drifting apart and over time, especially with me moving out two years ago, they don’t really want to talk to me too much and even with me visiting for a week, they don’t really desire to spend too much time with me.

Essentially, I’ve lost the close relationship that I had to my siblings and I’d love to have that again. I’d love to chat with them. I’d love to play with them and hang out and all of that. My girlfriend and her sister are very close, so I somewhat envy her because of that. I really hope that it gets better eventually and I definitely need to work on my relationship to my family members but at the same time, they also have to make some steps to improve it.

As time goes on, they’ll understand how important these things are. They’ll also try their best to get closer to me, hopefully.

I’m here for four days already and it’s making me anxious right now. My father has different appointments to tend to due to his health issues. My mother has to work all the time. My sister is either at her friends’ place or at work. My brothers have school or are spending time with their friends. Hence, I’m left here as if nothing changed. I don’t really get to spend too much time with them and that’s one of the things that are making me anxious right now.

Luckily, I know that everything will turn out for the better eventually. And I also have my blog to turn to and write about things, though I admittedly changed this post now in hindsight, as I don’t think that it’s too fitting to talk about my personal issues too much on a blog like this.

It’s a small relief to be able to write about things. It’s a big relief that I’ll be in my own four walls in just a few more days. It’s an even bigger relief that I’ll be able to talk about all of this when I’ve got my first ever therapy session.

I can’t wait for all of this.

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